About four years ago I read a book titled, When the Body Says No, by Gabor Mate’ M.D. I wanted to understand the physical, emotional and spiritual components behind the breast cancer I was dealing with at the time, and this book offered me a wonderful new perspective on disease.
The book changed many things for me, but more importantly exposed me to the idea that I did not really understand what stress was. Sure, I would say I was stressed by my life, but truly, WHAT did that mean? What was stress? What was I doing in my life that created stress? And how did this link in with my cancer?
Gabor Mate’ says in his book that “The biggest stressors we have in our lives are emotional. The nature of stress is not always the stuff that people think of. It’s not the external stress of war or money loss or somebody dying. It is actually the internal stress of having to adjust oneself to somebody else. The inability to process and express feelings effectively, and the tendency to serve the needs of others before considering one’s own, are common patterns in people who develop chronic illness.”
When I read those lines, I began to realize that my coping styles represented a blurring of boundaries between myself and others. I was ALWAYS trying to adjust my inner reality with those outside of myself. THIS was my stress. This created much confusion internally, and that translated into my whole self: cells, tissues and body organs included.
I would never say that I “gave” myself cancer. I believe that disease has no single cause. It can be a combination of things: environment, genes, but more importantly I think that how we deal with our emotions tip us in the direction of disease if we are not aware of them. My co-dependent behaviors led me to act in a way that was not my true nature. Because of my lack of relating to others in a more healthy way, I was in a sense waging war against myself.
I get irritated easily with people that are overly positive sometimes. I have come to realize that my irritation comes from knowing that often positive people are truly not REALLY feeling positive. They are projecting what they think the world wants them to be. Repressing emotions and non expression is a very quick way to create dis-ease in the body. Genuine positive thinking includes all aspects of our reality: the good, the bad and the ugly! Because in order to heal we have to gather the strength to see what ALL of our life includes. Some of that is negative.
In being honest and real about your life experiences, you begin to see what is NOT working, and from there you can begin to create new solutions. I have found it very beneficial to allow myself to ask questions and I find I am looking at my life more honestly. These questions and what arises from asking them, give me vital information. Gabor Mate’ says that “A lack of essential information about ourselves and our situation is one of the major sources of stress.”
It takes guts to be willing to look at your life and make changes that are best for your internal and essential self. Sometimes those outside of you have no understanding of your choices, and in their fear will project that onto you. In letting go of needing to fix others, or monitor yourself based on their vision of you – you essentially remove a load of self inflicted stress.
Being able to express myself during these changes has been challenging for me. I like to make others happy, I don’t like to make waves, and I want people to like me! However, in my healthy changes I strive to express myself with words, art and movement and to stop defining myself based on others. I create ease when I do this.
To me it certainly seems like stress is an internal issue. With increased awareness and acceptance we can monitor and reduce the stress that is created by shifting our frame of thought and how we manage our lives. While we cannot control many of the events outside of us and the people in our lives, we certainly can control our stress.
By changing our minds about how we live and treating ourselves with tenderness, slowly the light of awareness and humor shines showing us how truly amazing we really are. By allowing ourselves a place to express all that good, bad and ugly, the beauty of us begins to shine forth and no longer are we trying to adjust ourselves to others. We then can begin to reduce stress and live a life of greater ease, on all levels.
Sandra Wood is founder and owner of Inner Path Coaching, LLC. She coaches individuals who are struggling with relationships and career and want a balanced and empowered life.
Technorati Tags: Life Coaching, Breast Cancer, Stress, Co-dependence, Emotions, Emotional Expression, Gabor Mate, Disease, Positive Thinking
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