By far the biggest lesson in my life has been learning not only how to have boundaries but learning what the heck boundaries are! Most people think of boundaries as a place where they learn to say no more often then saying yes.
As I have spent the last three years exploring my own boundaries, and then using what I have learned in my coaching practice, I have seen some very interesting things indeed. Many people confuse defenses with boundaries. They often think that building a wall to keep others out, is truly having a boundary. Defenses are definitely ways to protect ourselves, but more often than not-they also keep us from ourselves as well. Boundaries are truly the path to self discovery. As we discover what is okay and not okay with us, we are discovering who we are.
I think of boundaries on a psychic level. Meaning that they are invisible, and the only way to know if your boundaries are violated is by feeling what is happening internally. Boundaries are VERY subtle and it takes some time listening to your inner self to really discover what is bothering you. In Patricia Evan’s book, Controlling People, she talks a lot about how often we allow other people to essentially reach in and define our own reality. I have become very aware of how often people try to step into my reality and when they do that – my boundaries are crossed. Internally I feel unsettled, annoyed and just know that “something is not right.” That is my cue to stop, be more aware and discover just what psychic boundary got crossed.
Here is an example. Yesterday I was talking on a phone to a very nice woman that I haven’t known very long. At the end of the call, for some reason she decided to give me a pep talk. I was confused for I had not conveyed to her that I needed to be uplifted, advised or otherwise inspired. She started talking to me in a way that made me uncomfortable. She was assuming that I needed help, when I had not asked for it. She was defining my reality for me, and I did not like it. I felt this and because I don’t know her that well, I just closed the call. For me, my next steps will be to watch this person and if she has this behavior again, I will gently but firmly point out to her that I am the kind of person that will be very clear when I need help, and if I need it, I will ask for it.
When someone assumes they know how you feel, or have a better sense of your reality then you do-this is a boundary violation. It is amazing to me how often we assume that we know how others feel. And so often we will take on other’s perception of us, and not even regard how we really are feeling and what exactly our present state of being truly is.
Perhaps the reason we invade each other’s boundaries so often is because we are dealing with our own struggles and through others we project and try to work this stuff out externally. We don’t do anyone any favors when we allow others to push their own boundary issues on us. Having clear and definable boundaries with others has helped me not only bring clarity to other’s motives, but it also most profoundly helps me define myself as separate from others. It has given me confidence to know that I have a right every day, every hour, every moment to be in charge of my experiences. I can certainly be open to what others might have to say, but again and again I find myself arriving in my own knowing of what is truly comfortable for me.
In sharing about boundaries I really could write volumes. In my coaching practice, I find that talking and working on boundaries to be THE most compelling part of my practice. We are not taught how to have clear boundaries. In our culture we are only taught to violate other’s boundaries and not even be aware of it. I often tell my clients to honor how they are feeling internally first and foremost, and when they do this – they will very clearly see that having boundaries is perhaps the single most powerful act of self love they can gift themselves. I work on this gift each and every day. It is a big piece of work, but one that has been the most powerful and enlightening one thus far.
To find out more about boundaries and how to have them, email sandra@innerpathcoaching.com.
Sandra is founder and owner of Inner Path Coaching, LLC . She coaches people though life challenges and inspires individuals to travel their inner path where healthy change and balanced living is achieved.
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