I asked myself several times over the past five years, “Is life balance possible?” After much contemplation and intense experimentation, I have concluded that yes it is possible, but not without understanding some key essentials.
Five key components to creating balance:
- Learn to flow with life’s unexpected events
- Identify the stressors in your life and what to do about them
- Create better boundaries to keep things out of your life that aren’t necessary
- Address any health issues and improve how you are taking care of yourself
- Clarify your values. Know what is most important to you. Simplify and change according to your values.
A QUICK HISTORY ON LIFE-BALANCE
First, I want to share with you where this term life balance came from, and where we are as a nation when it comes to work-life blance.
The term work-life balance was first used in the late 1970′s to describe the balance between an individuals work and personal life. In the United States, the phrase started growing in the late 1980′s.
We used this term to separate the work life and home life but as time has gone on that separation has diminished and this subject has become very relevant to our lives. It may be an overused term and something that people have come to dislike. I like using the term Life Balance as opposed to work-life balance, because essentially in the end we are just talking about how to create balance in our lives and that includes work, home, family, relationships and health.
There has been a substantial increase in work over the last 25 years, which people feel might be due to the boom in information technology and an intense competitive work environment. Long-term loyalty and commitment is no longer a part of our culture.
In the 1950′s the idea that technology would eliminate most household chores and provide more time for leisure activities still seems to prevail. Yet, this has not come to fruition as we have just become a consumerist culture, always wanting to buy the latest gadget but not saving time for leisure and pleasurable activities. We just continue to distract ourselves with more things. And in the end, we have no more leisure time.
Instead, we have elevated our work ethic to great heights and often lowered the value on parenting and relationships. Over the last 20 years we went from an average of working 43 hours a week, to 47 hours a week. Many Americans believe that in order to get ahead in their jobs, they must work 70 hours a week.
However, our increase in work hours over the past two decades means that we have less time to spend with friends, family and the community as well as pursuing activities that we enjoy. Studies have shown that our relationships and our connection to community is where we find happiness and satisfaction.
It is with no surprise that Americans report that they are experiencing burnout due to work overload and increased stress. This stress occurs in nearly all occupations across the board.
We might be able to conclude that work expectations, responsibilities with our families and increasing technology have brought us into a high stress way of living. Women in particular feel stress related to the conflict between work and family. Men feel often that they can’t say enough is enough in the workplace, and will continue to work longer and harder than they really want to. Many men feel a pull between their responsibliy as a provider and their responsibility at home. Nationally about 70% of us feel that our jobs are affecting our health.
I think we are in an interesting time with our national and worldwide economic challenges. We can use this time look at our spending, our consumerism and our values and we can create more balance by being honest about our lifestyles and what we most want.
However, our increase in work hours over the past two decades means that we have less time to spend with friends, family and the community as well as pursuing activities that we enjoy. Studies have shown that our relationships and our connection to community is where we find happiness and satisfaction.
I found this quote by Martin Hayward. “Our role models are all busy, busy, busy. The media portrays very important people as never having a spare moment. Our society has this belief that if you’re not busy, you’re not interesting.”
And another: “We try to possess too much, we have too many options that are too complex, and most of all we try to do too much. In the process there is too little time to think, too little energy left to enjoy.“-Richard Eyre
What is Life Balance for you?
I want you to close your eyes for just a minute and picture for me if you were to draw what Life Balance looked like-what would you draw? What does life balance look like to you?
A good friend of mine who is also a coach, asked a group of women to draw life balance and they came up with pictures of scales and teeter totters. They drew the scales and teeter totters equally balanced.
What did you draw? Did it look anything like that?
Life balance is not a as static place to arrive. Understand that life balance is a verb not a noun.
Truly, life is a verb not a noun. Everything is always in motion. Life is always in action. It ebbs and flow. Our moods ebb and flow. Our energy ebbs and flows. Our relationships with others, ebbs and flows. Some days we like how we look, other days, not so much.
So our first step in creating balance is:
1. Learn to flow with the unexpected and life can have more balance. I like to think of life balance using the perspective of a sailboat. Expect the wind, the tides and the weather to change your course daily. This can be very difficult for many of us. Understand that this act of acceptance and learning to flow might be a lifetime lesson for you. It certainly has been for me. However, over time I have gained some wisdom and the ability to adjust to the unexpected.
It does not mean that we don’t deal with issues or problems. It isn’t a hippy mentality, “Oh just let it go.” It is more of an assessment of the situation, an awareness of where you are right now and a solution to deal with it the best you can. It means your boat doesn’t tip over, or if it does, you recover quickly.
There are somethings that I do let go of, but usually they are my ideas of how I wanted things to be, and clearly how they REALLY are is different. Sometimes, adjusting to this difference is really pleasant. It’s not all problematic.
BE PREPARED
Just like the boyscout motto says. Be prepared for the unexpected and you have a little more ease to create life balance. Sometimes, it takes a while to recover balance. You might be faced with something really big. You might be already low when a big things comes. Your boat might have already taken on water, and now you are facing another storm. All you can do, is your best. And some days your best is not as good as other days. But that is okay. Being prepared helps with doing your best.
PLOT YOUR COURSE
Know where you want to be so that you can continue to change your course, and make adjustments. Small adjustments are much easier then big ones. Just like the tide changes, so does our life. I think one of the hardest thing for us is to accept change, and things going in a different direction then we wanted. Sometimes those detours bring an opportunity and sometimes they are just a detour-just a part of life.
Be flexible while still keeping the vision of what is important to you. That is Life Balance.
Knowing your course keeps you moving towards it even when unexpected weather comes along.
Flow is the best way to have balance because it helps us accept what is.
It is impossible to go through life without expectations, just know that often it is the expectation that trips us up and creates imbalance MORE then the event itself.
And don’t forget that the events of our live may mold us, change us and define part of us, but they are NOT essentially who we are. They are just our experiences. Don’t over identify with your events. It makes them easier to let go of. When I went through cancer, I learned that while I was experiencing cancer, I was NOT cancer. Don’t overly define yourself by your challenges. They are just a part of the human journey.
Believe it or not, if you learn to flow with your life you actually have more control in your life, because you adjust to the changes, you make choices to adjust and you can recover MUCH quicker from challenges and events. You basically get to re-plot your course. Sometimes we take on a lot of water when challenged. Have compassion for yourself and then carry on.
You start to see the world as less of a place “out to get you” and more of a world that is a unpredictable and a predictable place to live. You don’t have to make sense out of it all, you can allow insight to come when it does, you can dig and look further if you want, but there is no rule book that says you have to “get life” all of the time. Sometimes it takes us years to understand what kind of growth and learning came from a particular challenge.
Somethings just happen. You might find meaning in it, and you may not. Be okay with both sides, and life flows with more ease.
The ability to find rewards in the events of each moment even if the moment is unexpected is a power that comes from within us. It takes practice, but you can do it.
I think it is impossible to not allow the outside world to influence our moods, ideas and opinions because we are all connected. However, the more you know where you stand, what you want, the easier it can be to not get swayed by everything around you. We will talk more about this when we talk about boundary management.
Before we leave this topic of Flow and Life Balance as a verb, let’s chat a quick moment about Time Management.
I think Time Management has become another catch all phrase that often loses meaning the moment it is used.
I think that a better term is Time Awareness because it is about putting our attention on how we are using our time that matters most. You can be very good about managing appointments, setting goals and accomplishing them. However, make sure that how you manage your time isn’t creating more imbalance and stress.
Are you putting things too close together, are you trying to do too much in one day?? Be aware that schedules are important and effective, but they can get easily sidetracked with the unexpected.
That is why I like to say, have a balance between your schedule, those events that require a time line and than also know that it may all get disturbed and you might have to switch your timing. I have scheduled big busy days and then realized that my body and mind does not have the energy for the day I created. Instead of pushing myself through the day (and doing a lousy job), I have learned to take into account my energy and do something more realistic and attainable. It parallels that idea of taking into account the weather. Always take into account your inner and outer surroundings.
Use a calendar, a schedule, a blackberry, your computer, pen and paper,whatever works for you. Just make sure it isn’t too complex and doesn’t become another stress in your life.
I use a simple planner book and put all my appointments in it. Every Sunday night, I sit down with my book and plan out my week. Somethings have priority, some don’t. I do my best with what I have mapped out. Usually, by the end of the week I have accomplished most things, but usually, they don’t really happen in the all the ways I planned for. But generally, I still plot my course and for the most part arrive close to where I planned.
2.Identify the stressor’s in your life and how to respond to them.
You may have stress that has to do with your role with Alzheimer’s and you may have stress that is separate from this role. Today, we are going to talk about both. I hope that you can begin to see or clarify which ones are causing you the most pain and identify some ways to change that.
We are all different in how we manifest and deal with stress. But stress is a universal experience. Stress is normal. So number one, stop judging your stress. Just look at today, without a bunch of noise and what you “should be doing.”
Look at your stress objectively and know that everyone here has probably something similar to your level of stress or your way of dealing with stress.
Often we feel stress when we try to adjust ourselves to fit in with our environment and others. Ever been at a job that didn’t fit you, or in a relationship that you didn’t love? Chances are you were trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t you-and trying to fit there, created stress. Ever walked away from a situation or relationship and felt stress release?
It is the way we respond to it that is so important. Recognition of stress is a major step so that we can put coping mechanisms into place to deal with it. Most of us know what are stresses are, however, we often don’t do anything about it. And that is usually because it is connected to a bad habit.
Stress needs an outlet. Often times we have bad habits because of stress. We need coping mechanisms to replace bad habits. Bad habits can be very hard to change because they are our one and only way to deal with stress!
There are many different types of stress:
- Mental Stress-thoughts that impose tension on our bodies
- Emotional Stress-feelings that go unexpressed or haywire that effects our heart and bodies.
- Relationship stress-inability to express well or have proper boundaries
- Physical stress-illness or disease
- Work stress-too much pressure, too many deadlines, issues that go unresolved, bad work environments (mentally, emotionally or physically)
When I look at the cancer I got at the age of 40. I realize that it was a combination of many things. But stress did play a big part. I have since learned to change my thought process and to express myself more openly and honestkt.
Our stresses might be acute or chronic. Learning how to release the energy and find positive outlets for stress is powerful. We all need gateways to release stress. Most of us aren’t even aware of what we are doing that is releasing stress.
Some people use alcohol, tobacco, overeating and sex. Others might have stress produced illness and injuries, overexertion as well as high risk behaviors. Believe it or not, over exercising can be an ineffective way to deal with stress.
Be aware of what sources of release you are using to deal with your stress. Do a habit assessment and consider where you are now. Accept your past and present habits and recognize that you can choose differently.
Realize some habits are rather harmless. If you eat chocolate every evening, or go to scary movies, or bounce on a trampoline-those are all pretty effective forms of releasing tension. Just be aware of how you are doing it. For me, I tend to overeat, or eat sweets as a way to deal with tension and stress. While I don’t love that about me, and I could lose some weight, I am also grateful that I don’t drink or smoke and have good health. Just put it all into perspective.
If you have a serious addiction, than realize you need not only support, but will need to find another tension releasing acitivity to replace your addiction.
Guilt and Anxiety
A woman I chatted with awhile back shared that she felt guilty when she was away from taking care of her father who had Alzheimer”s and then angry when she was with him because she felt she was missing out on her life. She was unhappy in either situation. She couldn’t find peace in either. This was a huge stress to her both mentally and emotionally.
One thing that you can do with worry and anxiety is to put your attention fully on where you are. I suggested to her that she devote 30 minutes a day to her father. FULL attention to him, without thinking about all the other things in her life. When she was away from him, I suggested that she put her full attention on what mattered most to her. If anxious or worry thoughts came to mind she was to gently push them aside and realize they were essentially a “lie” they were not helpful thoughts. If they did come up she was to remember her time with her father and how intentional it was. I followed up with her later and she told me she had much less anxiety and guilt as she felt her time with her father had improved. She wasn’t so frustrated and angry and while she wasn’t sure if he could feel it, she certainly could. It helped her feel more loving to someone who had unfortunately (not his fault) forgotten her.
I think we are amazing at healing ourselves physically, emotionally and mentally. I also think that sometimes we need help. Knowing what kind of help will work for you is your responsibility. I have been to about three different therapist during the last five years. Each for different reasons. After that experience, I am much more keen on what kind of person I want helping me. I have used medication and therapy to help me through periods in my life that were difficult and I do not view that as a failure.
Lastly when we talk about stress we must talk about the ROLES in your life as well.
Often times we need to re-define our roles to create less stress. If you sat down right now and wrote out all the roles you had in your life you would be surprised by all of them and understand that THIS is often the reason you feel stress.
Here are the roles I quickly jotted down that I have in my life right now:
Single Parent, provider, coach, advisor, mentor, volunteer, presenter, home owner, dog owner, household manager, bookkeeper, cook, shopper, yard maintenance, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, girlfriend, dancer, writer, okay……..I got tired writing this list.
I think you can see how many we each have. Under each role is a job description. Not to mention the roles we carry in our jobs for pay.
A way to reduce stress is to look at each of these roles and re-define them. I have taken volunteer off of my list in the past year because of some life challenges and because I value raising my daughters and providing income more than other things right now. While I love to dance, I love writing more and so I give that role more attention. I am a simple cook and don’t make extensive meals. These are all my choices of how to redefine my roles. I may become more of a cook when my children are grown. Roles change.
We must give ourselves permission to change as needed. Just because you baked Grandma’s special bread every Thanksgiving doesn’t mean you have to do it now until the end of time. Give yourself permission to change your roles. And let the people in your life know you are doing it to create less stress and that in fact changes their time with you too.
3. Create Better boundaries
“Balance is not better time management, but better boundary management. Balance means making choices and enjoying those choices.”--Betty Jacobsen
Being good at boundary management is the KEY to life balance.
There are all kinds of boundaries to have in our lives. We need boundaries with ourselves and boundaries with others.
Knowing what you want and don’t want is powerful. And if you are not sure about your boundaries then get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write What I Want and on the other side write, What I Don’t Want. And just let your mind go. You will begin to see clearly what your boundaries are by looking at what you don’t want.
Think of yourself as a house. Inside the house is where friends and family are invited; people who have to earn your trust and respect to come inside. If they are rude or invasive, they have to stay outside the fence. When you sense you are around someone who makes you feel “weird” then imagine your fence going up and keep them out.
People who have really good boundaries are some of the most open and loving people you will meet. They are not angry, they are just clear about their boundaries and they don’t back down.
Keeping good boundaries means repetition. If anyone has ever dealt with a young child, you will know that they will keep asking. If you change your tact and say yes, then they know they can penetrate your reserve and they will try again and again to get you back down. Adults are the same, you have to show persistence and consistency to change boundaries with others.
Boundaries with others can be complex and difficult.
However, the basics of creating a boundary is a simple four step process. 1. State the problem. 2. State the change of behavior you expect. 3. Re-state the problem. 4. Walk away if needed. (Always keep an even calm tone. If you get angry, stop and try again later.) You may need to repeat this process with the same person and the same issue several times before the behavior has changed.
It is NEVER TOO LATE to change your boundaries.
Never, ever, let yourself be abused. Seek help immediately if you find yourself in an abusive relationship.
Allowing others to erode our boundaries is hugely damaging to our hearts, minds, bodies and spirits.
Here are some examples of areas of your life to practice boundaries:
1. Say no to a volunteer opportunity. (I am all for volunteering, but not if your family needs you or you have already said yes to two others).
2. Don’t allow others to tease you, belittle you are make fun of you. Tell them to stop.
3. When people ask you to do something tell them you need to think about it and you will get back to them. Don’t yes right off the bat.
4. Stop filling your plate with too many things to do. If you empty your plate, don’t fill it up again quickly!
5. Teach people to appreciate your time.
6. Prioritize your hobbies and leisure activities. Pick one, maybe two things to focus on. Put the rest away for later.
7. Clean up your clutter. Believe it or not, clearing clutter clears boundaries and puts us into closer contact with what is most important.
8. Don’t be permissive to your children or your partner. No means no, stick to your guns.
9. Guard your time like a watchdog. Don’t let meaningless tasks drag on that you have no interest in.
10. Watch less television. Television violates our boundaries and our time. Use it sparingly and appreciate it when you turn it on.
11. Let go of relationships that are bringing you down and are harmful to you.
12. Stop mothering people who don’t appreciate it and should be doing their own work.
13. Don’t hang out with difficult people when you are tired or need more tenderness. Tell them you are sick and go to bed.
14. Don’t give people too much information about you. If they are a close friend, let them in. Keep your private life, private. Share with people when you want to, but never feel obligated to share.
15. There is no need to include a long explanation when you say no. No is enough.
16. Stop apologizing for things out of your control or aren’t your fault.
17. If you have difficult family members that you can’t end the relationship with, then work towards protecting yourself better. Just because they are family doesn’t give them permission to run your life. You can still be kind, but be very firm.
“We suffer the stress of infinite opportunity: There are so many things that we could do, and all we see are people who seem to be performing at star quality. It’s very hard not to try to be like them. The problem is, if you get wrapped up in that game, you’ll get eaten alive. You can do anything–but not everything. The universe is full of creative projects that are waiting to be done. So, if you really care about quality of life, if you want to relax, then … control your aspirations. That will simplify things. Learning to set boundaries is incredibly difficult for most people.“–David Allen
4. Address any health issues and improve how you are taking care of yourself
Make time for your body, your mind, your emotions and your soul.
You can’t take care of others to your full capacity if you don’t take care of yourself first.
Most of us know that when we fly on a plane we are instructed to put the oxygen mask on adults first, then children. Take care of yourself before you invest lots of energy in others. Eat well, rest well and live well.
Are you due an annual dental cleaning, do you need your blood pressure checked, are you taking the right supplements or eating the foods best for your body?
Changing health does not have to be a huge drastic movement, but one that you take step by step. Health for me is not big fancy gyms, it is a daily walk with my dog, yoga stretches, vitamins and trying to eat lots if lean protein and vegetables. Everyone has their own definition of health. Start where you are and move forward.
“Those who are caught up in the busy life have neither the time nor quiet to come to understand themselves and their goals. Since the opportunity for inward attention hardly ever comes, many people have not heard from themselves for a long, long time. Those who are always ‘on the run’ never meet anyone any more, not even themselves.“-Robert Bank
5. Clarify your values. Know what is most important to you.
Simplify and keep things in and out of your life more of your own choosing.
To fill out a value clarification sheet go to www.journeyway.com and under the free tool bar download worksheet. Walk through that exercise and you will discover if you are living according to your values. It takes time and effort to align actual behavior with values.
When you know what you value, it becomes easier to chart your course, and to move towards that destination. Think of that sailboat. If you value independence, then what actions and choices in your life contribute to that? If you value service the same questions apply. How are you directing your life towards those values?
AND FINALLY
Simplify your life. Live according to your values and what you deem important. Connect to others that matter to you. Express yourself honestly and with humor. Be as strong as you can during your challenges. Ask for help, and if you don’t like the help you received, ask for help again. Don’t give up.
Continue to remember that Life Balance is a journey, a verb, one of our experiences of being human.
Be kind to yourself and those around you while being clear about your boundaries. Acknowledge your stress and do what you can to change it. Take good care of your body, your mind, your emotions. Those around you will benefit from you taking care of yourself. We forget how much we model behavior to others. You may be the first one in your family to create balance but it is contagious. Those around you will want to know what you are doing differently and you then will become the expert on life balance and share your own wisdom and keys to success.
Thanks again. And take care.
